thumbs up, i’m alive

Last Wednesday I was headed to work at 8am. I turned left on my green light out of our development and was hit. According to a witness, she was probably going 60mph and was on her laptop. She apparently even went right back to her laptop after. I don’t know this woman or her life and I don’t want to judge- but right now all I can think about is how she could have killed me.

Laptop or not (haven’t got the police report back) I am convinced she wasn’t looking out her window ….otherwise- the obvious- she would have at least touched her breaks before crashing into me.

that’s her bumper attached to my car. that was my favorite car rip rvca

I remember opening my eyes and seeing my airbag as well as hearing a few voices. Apparently, I was responsive to the firemen/ EMTs but I have no other memory until waking up in the ambulance. Which in itself is terrifying and confusing. I remember wanting my older brother (besides being a family member- he was an EMT)

thumbs up i’m alive

I obviously know how lucky I was. I could have been t-boned. I could be dead. But it’s interesting (and i’m sure people who are struggling through an accident or a loss or whatever painful experience might tell you the same) you tell people you are ‘okay’ because you know how lucky you are, you don’t want them to worry, you make a joke, you’re grateful that person even asked how you’re doing, that you don’t want to seem ungrateful for being alive or it being worse, or maybe it’s just also what our natural/ repetitive response is to people asking ‘how are you?’ (I know this is my own issue since I’m sure if I told people that i’m not okay, they’d understand).

So yes, the truth is I’m not okay right now. I’ve been in ridiculous amount of pain all over my entire body, I’ve been crying randomly, having panic attacks/ anxiety that I’ve never experienced before, I have been having a hard time remembering little things or what I was doing.

But i do get an hour a day where the meds feel like they’re working right and i can do ‘normal’ things like write this and finally text back the amazing people in my life…

cause even though right now I don’t feel ‘okay’ – all those who did ask ‘how are you?’- THEY’VE LIFTED MY SPIRITS and made me feel not so alone. From a simple text to sending flowers or sending a message to one of my siblings- I’m grateful each and every one of those people who wished me a speedy recovery. I’m glad there are people that I can tell that ‘I’m okay’ to. I’m grateful to have such wonderful, caring people in my life.


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